The Lord Calls... and I Obey

As many of you may know I was able to be apart of the cast of the Hill Cumorah Pageant 2012 this year.  I met some wonderful people who I pray will continue to be my friends even though we have gone our separate ways.  This past year has been a long, stressful year but yet very exciting.  Working and saving up to attend the University of Aberdeen in Scotland this September.  Many times throughout the year however, I would get the strong impression that during my time in the Pageant, things might just change.  However, I continued working towards my goal thinking that if I wasn't meant to go then things wouldn't work out.  This may be easier to relate by including some journal entries of mine from this past year or so.

January 11th:  "I can do this!  I can go to grad school in the UK!  In September of this year I WILL be going.  I have to continuously not forget this.  I need to remind myself every second of everyday that somehow this will happen.   Then in the end if things do fall through it won't be because I didn't try, or didn't have the FAITH that it would, but because Heavenly Father has another plan for me, and I'm meant to go somewhere else."  

I have been working so hard for this chance, but for months I've known that I couldn't give up on it because my Father in Heaven was trying to tell me that your plans can change even when you don't want them to.

March 6th: "I will continue to work toward my original goal of going to Scotland.  My Savior is always at my side, ready to catch me if I fall.  He will hold my arm when I become weak.  And above all if I can no longer go on my own, He will help carry me.  If my plans change in the process, so be it.  For i know if they do I will be completely ready for them whatever they may be." 

I know some of you won't necessarily understand any of this, but all I ask of you is to understand that this is MY decision. Now one last entry to explain more.

 March 15th: "The other night I started questioning whether Scotland and grad school is the right thing for me.  Something keeps holding me back.  At times I pray about it and I get an 'okay just keep going' answer.  But I still haven't had that 100% without-a-doubt feeling.  Living in Scotland for a whole year is still very wishy-washy.  The only thing I know for certain is pageant!  Everything seems to evolve on what happens then." 

Now I guess comes the time when I finally tell everyone that I will NOT be going to Scotland in September for grad school anymore.  During the past two weeks when I've been participating in the Hill Cumorah Pageant I have felt the impression even stronger that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't had all the doubts and questions over the past 8 months without reason.  The Lord knew that the only way I would change my mind was through the spiritual experiences I can have when in the pageant.  The people and friends I have made have helped me come to realize this.

I have no idea where I will go in my life now, but I know by listening to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and to the guidance of my Father in Heaven I will find a way.  For the first time in months I have this sense of peace within me that I have made the right decision.  And the crazy part is now I have NO plans for the next year.  Right now I'm going to continue working and saving money and find out where things go from there.

If the idea of Heavenly Father telling me that Scotland wasn't the right decision bothers you, then maybe this will help.  In the weeks building up to Pageant, problems started occurring with Scotland.  I wasn't hearing anything from the university and when I finally did, other problems seemed to come up.  The whole financial issue was becoming more and more stressful.  Then there was a problem with having enough money to apply for my visa.  All I know is that these problems occurred for a reason.  They were another sign to me that I was not meant to at this time in my life go to grad school in Scotland.

I know my Savior loves me and is happy with the decisions I have made in my life.  I know that my Father in Heaven will continue to help guide me so I can find out where I must go next in my life.  This has been a hard decision for me to make because all the planning and excitement I've had for the past year is no longer relevant.  I love my Savior, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father.  There was a reason why I was having so many doubts about Scotland and even more so that financial problems were started to pop up the closer the time came.  I am grateful for the time I spent in the Hill Cumorah Pageant and for the clear insight I was finally able to receive when so much else was clouding my judgement.  I thank all the friends and my family who have been supportive the whole time of all the different choices I have made so far.  I pray that the rest of you will understand yet again this is MY decision and I am happy and content with it.  Now I eagerly wait for the next adventure that the Lord plans for me in my future!