Looking Back...and Gaining Perspective

Or do you look too Far? 

Do you look too Close? 

Coming home from work today, I decided it was time to clean my room.  For those of you who know me very well I always seem to get extremely side-tracked and distracted when doing this.  I find old mementos that bring many memories.  I find pictures of past events, old writings and stories.  The best part of all is pulling out old journals; reading my thoughts and emotions from the past few years.

I have a total of seven journals so far documenting my life.  If you want to include the one I had from the time I was 8-15 then I have eight, but that one is mostly silly comments from when I was little.  Those seven journals I have recorded stories, events, my feelings and emotions from 2004-Present.   So, for eight years I have been pouring my heart out to an object, a piece of paper that many will probably never read.  Not even my children or grandchildren because the thoughts in there are too personal.  However, I hope that sometime in the future whenever I have my own children I'll be able to pull out the experiences I had at their age and be able to help them in whatever way I can.

Why then am I writing a blog entry, about journal writing?  Aren't they almost the same?  Maybe, it is a way to write out your thoughts, however a journal is private, a blog is where you write thoughts that you wish to share with others.  My blog is a way to express my strong feelings I have on certain topics, to share  happy and fun events that I have taken part in.   And this blog entry is to relate to everyone my honest belief in how powerful keeping a journal can be.  I'm a creative writer, that's what I majored in.  Since I graduated from BYU-Idaho I haven't written anything creatively.  However, I have become even more attached to writing in my journal.  I know by writing out my thoughts, especially when I'm extremely confused and conflicted that it helps gather them together, collect everything that is rattling around inside my head.  After writing in my journal I can feel peace again in the decisions I'm making.

Writing your present troubles out is not the only positive outcome of keeping a journal, but being able to go back and reread your thoughts on past troubles and trials, joys and happiness, even boredom and dullness.  It is a marvelous way to GAIN PERSPECTIVE, to see where you have come from and how far you've come.  I love reading about certain events in my life that caused me so much heartache and drama and being able to laugh hysterically at them knowing how silly I was.  I love being able to look back/reread and not regret any major decision I have made in my life.  I love finding connections from events in the past to events in the present.  I love seeing the growth I have achieved and the goals I have reached.  More than anything being able to read about my past trials and sorrows and seeing the reasons why I went through all of it.  Sometimes not seeing those reasons until many years later.

Lately I am beginning to see the reason why I wasn't meant to go to Scotland.  To be truthful I have known a part of that reason for awhile but it is still as of yet a private matter :).  However, my biggest question that I have continually asked over and over again...  Why did that whole year of planning and praying and being extremely excited about Scotland not mean anything at all?  Why did I have to do all that and in the end, only months before I was supposed to leave, feel the impression that I wasn't meant to go?  I now know why!  The reason why I know this is because I've been able to look back and reread journal entries from this past year that connects everything together!  One reason why I was meant to keep planning was because I would not be where I am now, I would not have meant certain people in the past year that would help me become a different person.  Basically, if I hadn't applied to go to Scotland, I probably would have moved out to Utah sooner, missing many different opportunities when I was living at home.  Getting to know and becoming closer to my friend Danielle and being apart of her wedding.  Getting the chance to spend time with my parents for a longer time before I finally "officially" move out lol.  Meeting and interacting with some of the friends I still talk to from working at Wegmans.  Especially missing out on the wonderful experiences and friendships I've gained from being in the Hill Cumorah Pageant.  It all makes sense!

However, the number ONE reason why I wasn't supposed to give up on that dream was just to know that I could do it.  I NEVER thought I would go to grad school, I never DREAMED I could get in, because I didn't do the best in my English classes.  Now though, I KNOW I can do it!  Even more so, I got accepted into an Ivy League school in Scotland!  How amazing and wonderful is that!  I feel so privileged and blessed to know that I'm not as bad at creative writing and schoolwork as I assumed.  A foreign, high-end university wanted ME to come be a part of their creative writing masters program.  More than anything in the world I am grateful for that knowledge.  Now I know that I feel the need to apply to grad school again in the UK, then I can do it, because I ALREADY HAVE!!!!

Keeping a record of your life isn't a burden or something to despise, its a blessing!  I love rereading my journals and being able to laugh, smile, sigh, and yes sometimes to cry remembering how life used to be.  I am where I am supposed to be right now.  If I keep writing in my journal all of my thoughts and feelings, then  someday I'll be able to reread what I've written and know why I'm supposed to be living in Utah right now.  I have many goals and dreams that I already have achieved and I have many, many more that I still have yet to come close to.  Yet I know they can happen, because anything in life is possible if you just believe!